A client came to me the other day in a massive funk about something she’d seen on social media.
Her ex had just got engaged.
They’d been broken up for 2 and a half years and she was in an awesome relationship but she said the minute she saw the post on Facebook her heart dropped, followed by Negative Nancy’s tirade of self-doubt, self-loathing and STUFF…
‘How come I wasn’t good enough for him to want to marry?’
‘When will (insert current boyfriend) propose, is he even the one?’
‘Why can’t I have that, what’s wrong with me?’
Within a few seconds she’d spiralled down into this pit.
It put her in a bad mood for the rest of the day and no matter what she did she said she couldn’t get it off her mind. Later that day she saw her current boyfriend and hated herself for being nasty to him for no reason other than that she was still pissed off about what she’d seen earlier that day.
It might have happened to you.
The TRIGGER as I refer to it.
One minute you’re floating along feeling awesome and totally in control of your life and the next you see something, hear something or do something and your mind goes into complete FML mode.
You start by blaming everyone else and then you start blaming yourself (or vice versa).
Then you analyse – “What if I’d done this instead?” “What if this hadn’t happened?”…
Before you know it you’re having a pity party for one.
You might dwell – you tell your friend and before you know it you’ve spent 3 hours gossiping about said-trigger, blaming everyone else and digging yourself deeper and deeper into the story that you now feel so damn justified in feeling the way you do that you’re even more pissed off, upset and turning to your release (chocolate, exercise, alcohol) to make yourself feel temporarily better.
We all do it.
Yes, even for me there are still times that I find myself ‘escaping’ in some chocolate to feel better but now, rather than suppressing my emotions I make it a priority to DEAL WITH THEM ASAP.
And that’s exactly the advice I gave my client… because no matter how much coaching you have, no matter how much training you’ve done and no matter how awesome life is there are ALWAYS going to be TRIGGERS; but its how quickly you recover from the trigger that counts.
Time and time again I see women letting their trigger affect relationships, jobs and their health.
By not DEALING with things when they come up they just store them some place; bubbling away until it all gets too much.
Running away from your problems won’t make them disappear.
I used to run away A LOT, I’d drown my problems in a boozy night out or breathe them out in a dirty durry. They were my go-to’s.
These days I’m definitely more conscious of my triggers and it’s pretty rare that my anger, tears or frustrations lead to demolishing a block of chocolate but we’re all human.
What I’ve learnt over the years is that the TRIGGER is a choice.
It’s a choice between love or fear; and how quickly you decide to make that choice.
Whether you’re going to let the fear eat you up and allow it to affect the things that you love in your life or whether you’re going to consciously choose to put your story (your negative experiences, feelings and beliefs) aside and find a pro in what it is that’s just triggered you.
And it can definitely be challenging at times.
Sometimes you really have to take a few deep breathes, swallow your pride and dig deep to find that love but it’s what will truly set you free.
After chatting, my client chose love – she chose to remind herself that he wasn’t the one for her and that she was so much happier in her relationship now than she’d ever been with him. She chose to wish him love and happiness and know that she was good enough, pretty enough and worthy enough to one day (hopefully soon) get engaged too!
Sometimes we are SO set in our story, so justified and so caught up in ourselves that we literally can’t find the love. We talk to our friends and/or our family and they reinforce the negative emotion that we’re feeling telling us that we’re not stupid for feeling like that, joining in on the bitching-fest and connecting over this FEAR. And that’s exactly why it’s so important to always have someone who is unbiased and will help you find that LOVE as soon as possible.
Babe, I want you to think about your TRIGGERS. Write them down – what are things that happen that instantly tick you off or upset you? How quickly do you overcome them?
My hope for you is that you get to a place where love is your response and fear is no longer your reaction.
With love today & always,
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